Secret Agent Man is a ventriloquist CIA agent. Here he talks to his ventriloquist dummies.

SECRET AGENT MAN: [enters, shivering, dressed in trench coat and fedora]

Whew. Cold. Feels good to come in from the cold.

[Removes trench coat and fedora. Is wearing pajamas.]

Okay. Here's a secret agent situation for you. From the early '70s, an era which, like all eras, was pretty good for espionage...which is, after all, my field. Imagine you're stationed in the Persian Gulf. Your cover is with the Anglo-Arabian Whole Earth Oil Corporation, a CIA front company accidentally raking in mega-profits in exploration and development thanks to the Energy Crisis. Though we all know now that Exxon and Mobil and Amoco advertising a lack of oil was the Marketing equivalent of Sidney Greenstreet masquerading as the Thin Man. [Laughter from loge box seat]

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Shhhhh. [More laughter.] Do you mind? I'm telling a story.

DUMMY 1:

I heard that.

SECRET AGENT MAN:[getting Dummy]

Heard what?

DUMMY 1:

That fancy flight of language.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

You mean my metaphor? The Thin Man?

DUMMY 1:

Metaphors'll just get you in trouble. They're not in the official manual.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

What do you want me to be? A colorless bureaucrat?

DUMMY 1:

Yup.

DUMMY 2: [voice from loge box seat]

Yeah, walk the straight line.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Oh, now you too, huh? [Goes to get second dummy.]

DUMMY 2:

We're just looking out for your own good.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

You want me to walk the straight line.

DUMMY 2:

That's it.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Not to stray from the path.

DUMMY 1:

Right.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Stay in tune.

DUMMY 2:

Now wait a second.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Keep my house in order.

DUMMY 1:

Hold on.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Not to air my dirty laundry like soiled white flags of a pitiful unconditional surrender. A complete surrender to the powerful winds of metaphor that whip your clothesline, 'til the clothes billow together, and you can no longer distinguish satin sheets from woolen table cloths, suitcoats from garden overalls, handkerchiefs from underpants.

DUMMY 1:

Or a bureau chief from a smarty-pants.

DUMMY 2:

Don't look to us for help when you get in trouble.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Shut up! I was telling trying to tell the story of the Kurdish people.

DUMMY 1:

Oh great, can I play the Secret Agent Man?

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Okay, and you can play the Kurd.

DUMMY 2:

Oh, I always have to play the Kurd.

SECRET AGENT MAN: [ to Dummy 1]

Okay, you're consulting with a little off-shore rig in Halajba, in Northern Iraq,when you are approached by a shaggy man looking for some arms financing.

DUMMY 2: [as Kurd]

You give me money now, we give you oil rights when we take over Iraq.

DUMMY 1:

Sounds like a good deal. Here's some money, and some guns.

DUMMY 2:

Nothing can stop us now.

DUMMY 1: [to Dummy 2]

That's right, guy. You are going to win. Unconditional, Absolute Victory.

DUMMY 2 whistles contentedly to himself.

DUMMY 1: [To Secret Agent Man]

No way is he going to win. I only gave him enough guns to keep fighting, not enough to win.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

You mean you lied to him?

DUMMY 1:

No. I just disinformed him.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Why?

DUMMY 1:

To make sure no one gets too powerful.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Oh, so what would you think if someone started talking about a Unified Arab State.

DUMMY 1:

Unified? Hey, don't give me the willies.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Well, it's o.k. I don't think you have much to worry about. I understand your point, though. The Shah of Iran is our friend, and he's scared of Iraq. So we encourage the Kurds just enough to sap the resources of the Iraqis. But you know, it would seem to me that you are just trying to destabilize the whole region.

DUMMY 1:

Okay, then, if you feel that way. No more money for Kurds!

DUMMY 2:

Help me, help me. Saddam Hussein is after me, and he's got gas!

DUMMY 1:

Oh, I'm sorry. Saddam's not on our hit-list anymore.

DUMMY 2:

He's not?

DUMMY 1:

That's what Ayatollah, isn't it?

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Ugh. That was just terrible. You should be ashamed. Apologize.

DUMMY 1: [to Audience]

Alright. I'm sorry.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

No. Apologize to the Kurd.

DUMMY 1:

I'm sorry. Maybe I can help you out... in fifteen years. Ha ha ha.

DUMMY 2: [to Secret Agent Man]

Oh no. He turned out to be a double-agent. It's not fair.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Stop whining! Wake up to the way of things. In this world giving out good disinformation's as good as receiving good information, if not better. In fact, definitely better. Cuz I feel a lot more confident of our lies than of anyone else's truth. And if you take this story as a microcosm for how information moves about in a society--

DUMMY 1:

Or a metaphor.

DUMMY 2:

Yeah, sounds like a metaphor to me.

SECRET AGENT MAN:

Alright, if you take this story as a metaphor for how information moves about in a society, as I do, I really do, then you realize the kind of beautifully shaky ground we stand on.